I looked into his eyes and saw my friend. 22 years of history played before my eyes as I remembered him as a junior chemist when I first came here, then after his boss retired a couple of decades ago he became the senior. We had first discovered that we had the same faith, and that had been a tie, one of many to come. He had a great love for the outdoors as did I, and we had yet another. Danny, or Dan was fond of hiking the Grand Canyon, and also Humphrey’s peak, the highest mountain in Arizona at 12,633 feet, we had both reached the summit several times. He would go on to do power hikes, rim to rim on the Grand Canyon in a day, starting at 8,000 ft in snow and dropping to under 1000 ft, temps near 90, then back to 7,500 feet in snow again before sunset, Dan is a mans man.
My favorite memory of course was in 1998 when we got a group together and went to the mountains outside Telluride Colorado to climb our first 14er’. We reached the summit of Wilson Peak somewhere around 14,250 and stood enjoying the rare air as a huge thunderstorm formed and grew below us. I guess the reason I am telling you all of this is I want you to know a few things, Dan is my friend, Dan is my brother and we have many fond memories together. But although our bond is strong, yesterday will not be one of those memories that we remember fondly. Dan was spilling his heart to me, you see his wife of 41 years, mother of their two boys, his best friend. She has lost her battle with brain cancer; Danny has brought her home from the hospital to die. The doctor has given her a few weeks at best.
I sat and listened to him tell how he is caring for Robbi (Roberta) with love, and how she is facing her short future bravely. Dan is just being a rock, he talks about how they have resolved that it is okay, she is just going to beat him to Heaven by a short time, then he looks down for a moment and says “man, I don’t know how people do this without God though”. I know what he is talking about, I wonder too.
Last week, I attended the funeral of another old friend from work who fought and lost his battle with cancer. Then just Wednesday, it was announced that another close friend at work has inoperable cancer and they will attempt to treat it with radiation.
I know God has a plan, and I know that this kind of thing just happens, but it has just been rather overwhelming lately. The class I am taking at school is “Foundations of Pastoral Care”, and it deals mostly with counseling people who are in crisis or trauma, and I have to tell you, I am really ill equipped to help anyone in that state.
After I left Dan the other day, I thought about our conversation. He told me that his wife has really for the most part lost the ability to converse, so she mostly just nods or says uh-huh. He said that sometimes, she will surprise everyone and throw out a perfectly formed sentence, and it is just like a gift from God, for a moment he forgets she is sick and thinks his Robbi is back. I couldn’t forget that as I drove home, I thought about all of those taken for granted conversations with loved ones we have where we will half tune the other out. I thought of my own wife, and how she will talk about how she has had to prepare for a board meeting and the things she has had to do. Or even if she were to talk about something like accounts receivable, which is something I could really care less about, but if the gift of speech were taken from her sweet lips because she were dying, it would tear my heart out not to hear about it.
I guess these past couple of weeks have caused me to think a lot. Besides the fact that I have had to work a ton and am overtired, the message of loss seems to be recurring. The good part of this all is that they have God, but besides that the lesson I got is that it is really easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of life. There is always a danger then that voices of those we love will be lost to the white noise that comes with a life in the fast lane. I hope as long as I live I am able to hear the voices of my wife and each and every one of my daughters, and that I will always take the time to listen to them and what it is that they are saying.
God Bless-JFT
“…I am really ill equipped to help anyone in that state…”
Me, too. In fact, I would make the world’s worst pastor. Period.
At least I am in good company!
Oh Jim–I’m crying my eyes out for you and for Dan–my goodness. You can say all those good things about God, His Presence and all–and every word is True! But having a relationship with God does not take away the pain of human losses–and I sure don’t believe He expects it to. Perhaps it’s all about sharpening our awareness of those we love, those “others” around us–like you said. The really sad temptation for many of us (moi), is to decide not to love too deeply–for fear of loss, and that pain. Thank you for sharing this story–I will certainly be keeping Dan and his family, and you and yours in my fervent “loving” prayers. God bless you all, comfort and strengthen–with His “unfailing, enduring love”. sis Caddo
Thanks Caddo, for your prayers for Dan and for my family also, Lord knows we certainly need them. Sorry I haven’t responded sooner, have just been really behind lately, but it too will pass. God Bless-Jim
Don’t fret yerself, brother–Hey, your post inspired a poem for me, so I’ll let you know when I post it, okay? (Basically, I was moved by how helpless we feel when we want to minister/encourage/help/be Jesus hands/heart/voice–so that’s the teaser…) Continuing to pray, here, and keeping y’all in my heart! God bless you–love, sis Caddo
Cool, thanks sis,
will just let you know, am currently overwhelmed. happens sometimes to everyone, but it is a rough one this time. Could use all the prayers you could throw our way. it is just the plate being too full thing, except this time the plate runneth over. Just need some time to get things back on track, and then I will be writing again. Thanks sis, God Bless-Jim
Jim . . .this is a lot. A lot for each of those families and a lot for you as their friend and fellow worker. I don’t know how people do it either, without Him. It is so hard even with Him. Thank you for helping us listen today, while we can, and cherish each other. God bless you and keep you through this tough stretch. Praying for Dan and his Robbi and boys, and the others from work too.
Thanks Deb, I have said it before, and I will say it again, it really means a lot to know that your prayers are going out for us. Dan and Robbi are walking with God as they face this huge hurtle in life, and your prayers lift them up. God bless you and yours always-Jim
What a stirring and timely post. It leaves me feeling hollow when I think of the loss Danny is experiencing. In hospice care we call that “anticipatory grief,” which is actually healthy. You’re doing it already, accepting that loved ones won’t always be there which adds so much value to relationships, whether it’s weeks or many years. In his acceptance that heaven is in her future, it actually adds quality, not sadness, to the time they have left together.
It doesn’t ease the pain, but the overall healing effect is real… it’s God’s gift. Like you, I try to treasure even the small things every day with my husband, because like the rest of us, someday he won’t be here. Your story is a treasure and a great way to start my day. Thanks, Jim.
Thanks Linda,
I am glad it was stirring to you, and helped put your mind in a good place. Valueing those in our lives while we have them is so important, letting them know how much they mean to us while they are here. One thing I know, none of us makes it out of here alive, we all go out the same way, but we don’t all have the same destination. While the pain of loss is horrible the knowledge of a loved ones passing to Heaven is always a wonderful thing in contrast to the loss of someone who truly is lost. God Bless-Jim